One Hundred Paces

My flashlight gave just enough illumination for me to see where my steps would fall. I paused frequently to shine it up and around, ensuring I was not approaching any other hunters as I walked. Once I reached the end of the clearing, I turned left and began to count my steps... one... two... three... At number one hundred, I found a tree and sat down. That's how my husband told me to do it and it's worked every year to get me to a familiar place to wait. This is the only place I will venture out into the woods on my own in the dark, because here, I know where I stand.

I have to work today, a Saturday, and I'm really not excited about it. Our summer catalogs are just starting to reach our customers and this is when we get a lot of calls. It's not the customers with orders that bother me, but the people who, for whatever reason, received our catalog unsolicited, and are very angry about it. I mean very angry. To the point of seething, bitter, verbal abuse and threats to call the attorney general. Oh yes. Even that. I had one of those just yesterday, followed by the words "you got that?" spat into the phone. Really? Is it that bad?

But then, I'm not one to talk about taking things personally. Where they take unsolicited mail as a personal attack, I tend to internalize other people's anger, especially when it seems to be directed at me. It's bad enough hearing it from anonymous voices on the phone but to hear it from someone close to me is severely painful. I spent a large portion of yesterday fighting tears and feeling like the biggest burden a friend could have, for expressing concern over something trivial at a time when my friend had bigger problems.

I questioned whether I am really not very good at being a friend. After all, I recently lost a friend who told me I was insensitive. Am I really? I feel like I am a fairly good listener. I encourage my friends to vent to me when they are upset or worried. But when something is on my mind, I seem clumsy about finding the right time to talk about it.

When something is said to me out of hurt and frustration, whether I'm the one who caused it or not, I take it personally. I know I shouldn't - maybe that's what makes me selfish, internalizing other people's anger. It seems like, once someone vents, they feel better. But then I feel bad, and continue to carry their anger and frustration around with me. Once when we had been arguing, my husband asked me, "why do you get mad when I'm mad?" I wish I knew.

I'm not only sensitive about what people say to me, but how my words might make others feel. Once, when my oldest son was in second grade, I had yelled at him before school. After dropping him off, I felt terrible, and didn't want him to go through his day feeling the way I must have made him feel, so I went back to the school, pulled him out of class, and apologized to him.

I work hard at being a good listener. I actually prayed, years ago, that God would make me a better listener, and He immediately provided me with a friend who loved to talk! I don't always know what to say, but I try to listen. I think now I need to work on letting go of hard feelings when someone turns their anger on me unintentionally. I am really afraid to pray for that, knowing what it would take to bring it about.