Ducklings

As we angled the canoes, preparing to cross the choppy water to the next island, I saw my husband pointing at something to his left. I couldn't hear him through the wind, but I soon saw what he was showing me. It was a family of ducks, swimming in the same direction we were going. I grabbed the camera but they were quick, and soon out of range for a good picture. It was one of many interesting things we were about to see on our day trip in the canoes, just another family out for a nice time on the water.

On the way to take my twins to school today, I saw a woman pushing a double stroller with twin boys inside, and a young boy and girl walking with her. I felt very emotional seeing that. It was me, ten years ago. What are the odds that there would be another family in our neighborhood with the same mix of kids? I wanted to tell her what someone told me the first day I was her. I wanted to say, "Don't worry! It gets easier!"

But then I'd be lying.

Sure, they can all dress themselves and don't need to be pushed in strollers or carried in baby carriers anymore. Yes they can entertain themselves and stay home without a babysitter. But I am still a mom and that is still a full-time job.

Last week, three nights in a row I came home from my other full-time job (the one I get a paycheck for), only to head right back out for some other activity - Monday was cub scouts with the twins, Tuesday was a school social for my daughter, Wednesday was youth group for my oldest. Squeezed into those same days were household responsibilities and my own workout schedule, which I think helps me keep up the energy for all this! And even though it sounds like a lot, I deal with mom guilt something fierce.

I know many moms who seem to have it all together. Clean house, clean kids, updated medical and dental checkups for everyone, well-dressed, well-groomed, well-fed (nutritiously) families... and these aren't all stay-at-home moms. Some have full-time jobs outside the home - and they are probably exceptional at them!

Not me. Monday my son had to go to the dentist for a broken tooth and I thought I was going to get a stern talking-to from them about our infrequent visits. I didn't, thankfully. He must have been busy. My house is a mess - sink full of dishes, piles of laundry on the floor ALL over the house, dog hair in the corners, paper piles on every flat surface... it's exhausting just thinking about it. Which is why many days I am more likely found sitting on the sofa watching TV than dealing with it. I'm escaping. I'm overwhelmed.

I know there are tons of resources out there to help people get organized but I feel like I need an intervention! I don't even know where to begin! If you have tips, please pass them along - I (and my family) will thank you!

And if your house is a mess, please invite me over so I will know there are other families out there going the same direction we are going. That we are just another family taking it one day at a time.

Blue Heron

As we ran along the trail, KC and I saw a beautiful blue heron standing in the water. It was patiently waiting, barely moving. I don't know much about blue herons and their social patterns, but I found it particularly striking that it needed no followers or leaders to be beautiful. It stood there looking confident and regal without any outside help.

I just dropped my daughter off for her first day of middle school. Even though she has an older brother and I've been through this transition with him, today has slapped me in the face with memories - probably because she's a girl like me. Unfortunately it's not the good memories washing over me, it's the ones I've tried to forget... the mean girls.

I feel like she's off to a better start than I was. She has a handful of really good friends to hang around with and a measure of self-confidence that I never had at her age. She is well-liked by many people and has always made a positive impression on her teachers. I told her the other day that being popular is not nearly as important as being nice. If she is nice to people, they will want to be around her.

In my school there were a few girls who made life miserable. Looking back, I realize that it was their own insecurities that made them put others down. It was the only way they could feel superior and important. That knowledge does no good now and it would not have helped much then. Public humiliation at the hands of these girls made a marked impact on my life.

My high school reunion was a few years ago and I went. I will confess that the primary reason for going was not to see my close friends (they weren't going), but to be seen. I wanted to encounter those mean girls. I wanted them to see that they didn't damage me. That I turned out okay. And that I wasn't afraid of them anymore. Don't get me wrong - I was not looking for a confrontation, just satisfaction - and acceptance. Isn't it sad that even now, it mattered to me what they think?

The reunion was fun. I talked with people I hadn't seen in years and really enjoyed myself. I actually caught myself thinking, I wish I had gotten to know these people better in high school, we have a LOT in common!

As it turned out, I saw the mean girl I most wanted to see - my nemesis. I don't think she even knew I was there. I could see that she was still fighting for attention among her peers, being loud and somewhat obnoxious. I left the reunion feeling a sense of closure on that part of my life. No more would I allow someone to make me feel inferior based on what I wear, where I shop, who I spend time with, what music I like...

So, after dropping my daughter off at school today, I wondered what I can do to help her get through school with her confidence intact. I want to make sure she knows that her value does not depend on what other people think, but on who she already is. And mostly, I want her to know that, just because someone looks down on you, it doesn't mean you have to look up to them.

Run With Your Heart

It was overcast and humid, but the trail was very busy. It seemed that everyone was trying to get in their walk/run/bike ride before the storm arrived and drove us all inside. Even with the heavy trail traffic, we managed to see two deer peacefully grazing only a few yards from the trail. They looked up at us curiously, not at all concerned for their safety, as we passed. Even though the supermarkets and gas stations were swamped with folks gearing up for the big storm, these deer showed no signs of urgency. To them, there was nothing special about this day. To us, it was a very big deal - but not because of the storm.

Today was a huge milestone for me. It was the longest run I've completed in my training, and the longest I will complete before the half marathon next month. KC and I went 12 miles today. Twice around Peace Valley - the place I struggled to complete 6 miles only a few weeks ago. The place where I said "I could never pass my car and keep going for another 6 miles."

Never say never.

I started the day feeling a little worried about the 12 mile goal. I knew I hadn't hydrated enough the day before and I had sore muscles from yesterday's boot camp - particularly my right hip. I also wore shoes that I had planned to retire because they didn't seem to be supportive anymore. But I knew KC was going to be counting on me to show up and frankly, I was counting on myself. I needed to do this.

The first mile was rough. I was feeling that hip and realizing I hadn't used my inhaler before we started. It was hot and humid.

We finally got into a rhythmn and my aches had noticably subsided by the time we got to mile 2. Easy conversation held our attention and we found that interesting topics can really make the miles go fast. Before we knew it, we were around mile 4, trying to think of something else to talk about, when we saw him.

He was probably in his fifties, very overweight and out of shape. It looked like every step he took was labored - perhaps even painful. He was walking in our direction with a look of determination and hope that we both recognized and admired. We exchanged hellos as we passed and had a new topic for the next mile. He was an inspiration to us.

At mile 5, we dodged oncoming runners - a huge group of them. At mile 6, we passed our cars. At mile 10, I declared that I was now officially running farther than I ever had before. At mile 11, the same became true for KC - and we only had a mile to go.

In that last mile, as we ran across the dam, we saw him again. The man from mile 4, almost finished his own loop around the lake, still walking and still wearing that look of a man on a mission. We were energized by the sight of him and both of us high-fived him as we passed. We just had to!

It was a big day for us. We didn't run the entire time. We walked some, but we ran way more than we walked. We left with the realization that it would take only one more mile to complete the half marathon, and that was the biggest confidence builder of all.

Oh and KC passed on a quote she had heard - I have adopted it as my mantra to keep me going: "When your legs get tired, run with your heart."

Fear for Fuel

I have read that it is very common for dead bodies to be discovered by runners, but nothing really prepares you for the reality of it. The run was going great - dozens of people in attendance, chatting casually as we took to the streets of Lansdale. We had just dropped off food donations at the local food pantry and were feeling that special rush you get from doing something for someone else. We rounded a corner and headed down a sidewalk. Just before I passed a telephone pole, I saw it lying there - the lifeless body of a groundhog. I shrieked, then felt silly immediately. I mean, of all people! I am a hunter, I love hiking and being in the woods, but it surprised me. That little surprise gave me a better energy boost than any gel or energy bar on the market!

This morning, KC mentioned to me that she admires the fact that I am sticking to my running schedule and getting people to come out with me. I told her the simple truth. The reason I haven't skipped a run (except when it was lightning), is because of fear. I know myself well enough to know that skipping one will lead to skipping another. Then, before you know it, I will give up on my goal - and myself - completely.

It's the same reason I keep inviting people to run with me. I am truly afraid to run alone. It's not really safe, especially when it's still dark out, but beyond that, there have been some disturbing local news stories recently that terrify me. Out of fear, I invite not one, but many people to join me. There is always that chance that if you invite one, they may not show up, so I put it out there and hope that at least one person comes through for me.

Fear usually moves someone in a particular direction. Fear of heights moves someone to solid ground, fear of tight spaces moves someone into the open, fear of dogs moves someone to cross the street when they see one coming. But some of the most inspirational stories are the ones where fear moved someone toward a goal. When someone's fear of death moves them to get healthy or lose weight, for example.

I'm a fearful person. I have many phobias, which my closest friends are well aware of. Paralyzing phobias like the fear of heights that almost stranded me on top of the huge dirt mound at ddip. I hope to conquer some of my fears someday - but to be honest, I'm not in a hurry! So, while I focus on my half-marathon goal, I will train myself to use fear to push me toward a goal instead of paralyzing me.

After that, who knows what I might set out to do!

Big Dreams

I turned out the lights and settled under the covers. It was my first night alone at the borrowed cabin, and I had brought our beagle along for company and security. He seemed content with the assignment. I felt hopeful about what would come of this trip, imagining how I would credit the owners of this place in the "special thanks" section of the novel I was about to write. The one that would lead to a satisfying career as a writer. Big dreams! Once all was quiet, the noises began. Little skittering sounds coming from the ceiling. I braved it for a while before getting completely freaked out. Turning the lights back on, I looked up to see tiny paws running across the top of the light fixture. Mice! After a sleepless night curled up, wide-eyed on the sofa, I checked into the nearest hotel.

I have a short attention span. I always have. This is why I lack follow-through on big goals - usually.

I am a big-time planner, and it goes way back to my childhood days. I remember planning parties that I knew I'd never have, just for the fun of making guest lists and imagining what party games we would play. I planned businesses, TV shows, backyard variety shows (which I invited the neighbors to once, according to my mom). I even filled an entire cassette tape with my own "radio show", which I actually mailed to the local radio station. (They never called.) My mom tried signing me up for dance lessons, gymnastics, and probably every other new "passion" I had, only to have me quit after one or two lessons. Oh, how I wish I had stuck with them! At least one of them!

Just the other day, I had an overwhelming desire to learn something new. Take some kind of lessons - something really cool like martial arts or hip hop dance.

I'll give you a second to finish laughing...

So anyway, I was worried that this short-attention span was about to start affecting my running. When I cut that long run short last week, I started wishing I had signed up for the same half marathon that Runna signed up for because it's only two weeks away and then I'd be done with this. Yesterday, I met KC and Paintbrush to run four miles and we canned it because of lightning. I was relieved I didn't have to run, and that feeling made me very uncomfortable. I don't want to lose momentum now!

KC said the best thing to me - do you think professional athletes feel like training every time? No way! Well, let me tell you, today is a different story. I didn't want to, since it's supposed to be a "rest day", but I answered a call to run this morning with JJ. She showed up for me 3 times when I would have otherwise run alone, so I felt like I owed her one. I went, and so did three other people. I could have stayed in my car. JJ even said I could take a nap and wait for ddip to start. But I know how regret feels so I joined them and it fired me up! Ever since that run, I have been on top of the world. I had an amazing ddip workout, and I don't think I've stopped smiling yet!

Funny how it's motivation week at ddip, just when I needed it most.

Chasing Rabbits

The little bunny hopped out in front of us as we were running along the paved path. Quickly realizing its mistake, it took off at full speed - in the same direction we were going.  For quite a while we followed it like greyhounds on a race track. It was comical to see it dart left and right, clearly hoping to lose us, before it finally learned that the way to end the pursuit was to hop off the path and into the grass. That image still makes me smile two weeks later. I suppose even animals have to figure things out sometimes.


I was scheduled to run eleven miles today, according to the training plan I'm following. I was graciously invited to join a running group at 5:00 a.m., which was exciting because this group consisted of those I consider to be the big leagues - the elite. These are the serious runners who do it just because they want to, even when there is no race to train for.

The plan was to run a six-mile loop twice. This was where it all went wrong before I even arrived. I made the conscious decision - and even said it aloud - that if I get too close to my car halfway through my run, I wouldn't finish it. I've said it before. I distinctly remember making that statement three weeks ago when I ran around Lake Galena. Way to psych myself out right off the bat. Lesson learned.

As a matter of fact, I'm learning a lot more than just how to run 13 miles. I fully expected this training to build my endurance and help me learn how to breathe, how to pace myself, etc. What I didn't realize was that, because so much of running is mental, I'm training my brain as well. I'm learning how to get started even if I don't feel like it and how to remember that I will regret more what I don't do, than what I do.

I'm learning where I do my best running. I've done well the past two weeks on that paved trail. I enjoy the scenery, and the possibility of seeing wildlife, and the relative seclusion and space. Today I realized that I am not in any way an urban runner. Even between 5:00 and 6:00 a.m., there was traffic as we ran along the road. This became a huge challenge for me. Every time a car passed, I had an overwhelming desire to stop and wait for it to go by. Every time there were headlights coming toward me, I felt anxiety. I walked more than I wanted to.

I think the biggest lesson today was that I am learning how to listen to my body. I got out of bed with the wrong mindset, that is true. But even physically, I was just not feeling it today. I felt heavy. I forgot to use my inhaler before we started, so I was feeling a little tightness in my chest. I was getting a little cramp in my side. Long before the first loop was done, I grew tired of hearing my own complaining, and I was feeling guilty for subjecting my running buddy to it. She was having a really good run and I was struggling to keep my negativity out of it.

It wasn't as tough a decision as you might think to stop when we finished the first loop. It was easy, but the guilt was hard. I felt like people would question my commitment to my training plan, and worse, that they might think I never really did run ten miles last week and ten miles the week before. But who am I doing this for? Nobody needs me to run a half marathon. This is something I want to do and, just as no one else is responsible for getting me to my goal, I am not responsible for satisfying anyone else's expectations of me. This is my quest.

I came home and, after second-guessing my decision and fretting over what people thought for a while, I took a two-hour nap. This was confirmation that my body was telling me to rest. I am never able to sleep during the day unless I'm really sick. Over the past two weeks, I've been running four days a week and doing DDIP three days a week. Two of those days, I'm doing both - one right after the other. Today I did half my goal. I never thought I'd be disappointed in myself for only running five miles. A year ago I couldn't even go that far! It wasn't the decision I wanted to make, stopping after the first loop. But I firmly believe it was the right decision. Rest is part of fitness. I am looking forward to next week. I'll be running twelve miles.

It's a Bird...

I watched as my husband pulled the vent cover off the bottom of the refrigerator to investigate. The squeaking noise under there had been driving us crazy and he decided to try to figure out what was wrong. As he knelt down, something emerged and flew frantically around the house. I laughed in surprise and said "it's a bird!" Standing up, he replied, "that's not a bird. It's a BAT!" My laughter stopped abruptly and I dashed into the guest room, pulling the door shut as fast as I could move. I'm sure the bat was just as uncomfortable, being out of its comfort zone in so many ways, and being chased around. Somehow, he managed to get it out of the house while I hid in that little room with my friends, the heebies and the jeebies.

I've been thinking today about a friend of mine who said something really nice about me and it got back to me. She said, of me, "she'll do anything for you." I feel like I am the kind of person who will go out of my way to do something for someone, especially a friend, but I've had enough people in my life who will heap guilt on me for what I am unable to do, that a comment like that is a rare treasure that I can't forget.

It's really easy for me to believe the bad stuff people say - or insinuate - about me. I am always ready and willing to take the blame, accept the guilt, believe the insults. I don't know where that comes from. I guess I just want people to be happy, even if they have to make me feel miserable in the process. My friend KC told me today that she needs to help me become more assertive so I won't be so affected by people like that. And my first thought was, who would I hurt if I say what I really mean? What if I say no when I really can't do something for someone?

Sometimes I fear saying no because I feel indebted to someone. This makes me think I have no right. So many examples are flooding into my mind but I won't tell the stories. Because if I say what I feel someone might be hurt by it.

I don't like being indebted to anyone. I'm not talking about living debt-free, within your means, with a safety net savings account and comfortable retirement plan. Sheesh, I have no room to talk there!

Here is what I mean: I rarely borrow library books. I stopped renting movies at the video store because I forget to return things on time. I almost never ask a friend to borrow anything. There were several times a friend has put something into my hand and said "take a look at this.. I'll need it back". So then I have this dilemma. Do I refuse the offer and potentially hurt their feelings, or do I accept it and risk losing or forgetting to return the item?

Borrowing from friends, in my experience, creates awkward situations. A few days ago I heard from an old friend that I had not seen in maybe a year. I was so happy to hear from her, because I had thought she was mad at me for not going to church. After a little talking, it became evident that she only thought of me because I had something that belonged to her. I felt a mixture of guilt (about the item) and foolishness (for thinking she wanted to chat with me).

There is another issue weighing heavily on my mind that I can't talk about here. It's a case where I am going way, way out of my comfort zone in many ways for someone and I know that they are still disappointed in me. It's a bona fide, genuine, damned-if-I-do, damned-if-I-don't situation. I wish I knew what to do. I only want to make people happy.

Red Fox

It was early morning and a bit foggy the day I saw the fox. I was taking a walk before work at Fischer's Park, trying to get in some exercise in my pre-DDIP days, when 7-ish seemed super early. I was on the back path, along the creek, moving at a pretty good pace and enjoying the solitude when I saw it coming directly toward me. I stopped in my tracks and considered whether I should make some noise, run, or take a picture with my phone. A part of me was greatly concerned that it may be rabid, since it didn't seem bothered by my presence. I waited. The fox finally noticed me when it was about 10 yards away, and suddenly dashed away into the woods. Apparently it was just a fox on a mission, and was too focused on his goal to see a potential obstacle.

I'll let you in on a little secret. I really don't enjoy running. Not at all. I enjoy the feeling of accomplishment I get from running. I'm enjoying the physical benefits I'm getting from the practice. But I wouldn't say I actually like to do it. I'm doing it because I want something out of it. I want to get in better shape. I want to have more endurance and strength. I want the finish-line-euphoria I will have the end of next month when I complete a half marathon.

Today I ran before boot camp, and it was the first day since I started training that I ran alone. It was a trial. The air was so hot and still, it felt like I was tightly wrapped up in plastic. There were no stars, no moon that I could see, no street lights in most areas. The only illumination I had was a tiny flashlight on my key chain. I was nervous. I tried listening to my ipod but without benefit of both sight and hearing, I felt vulnerable. I felt blind. I didn't make good time on this run. I walked quite a bit of it, in fact, but I didn't let it get me down. I was still proud that I got up and made the effort. I'm on a mission.

I've been running with different people at different times. I don't want anyone to feel responsible for making sure I meet this goal. This is my quest and it's up to me to make it happen. I knew before I left the house that I would likely be on my own this time, and that this would be the biggest exercise in discipline that I have faced so far in this training. Even though I went slower, it feels like success.

Discipline comes from the inside. It's that declaration that you want something, and you'll do whatever it takes to achieve it - you'll face every obstacle, you'll persevere when you don't feel like it, and you'll push through when it isn't fun, because the thing you want out of it in the end is worth it all.

People in DDIP have a lot of goals. This session I have a big goal. I've shared it with a few people, not because I want them to hold me accountable, but because I know that once I've said it, they will be watching to see what I am doing to reach it. And knowing they are watching will push me more than any words they say ever could. Actions speak. And this session I'm talking.

Apple Pie

I washed the apples and started peeling them, hoping this would work. My cookbook was open, and all the ingredients present and accounted for. No one had ever taught me how to bake pies, but I wanted something sweet so badly, I was willing to give it a try. Being a poor college student presents its share of challenges, especially when you are a married college student living 45 minutes off campus in a tiny hunting cabin. My husband had picked these apples off the trees on his dad's hunting property down the road. There were various kinds - we didn't know all the names. After about an hour, there was flour everywhere, a pie on the table, a delicious aroma, and, according to my husband, the best pie ever made.

I feel really great today. I'm on top of the world! It started out with an amazing workout at boot camp. I think all this running is helping me because I felt stronger and had much more energy during the workout. We were outside in a field, standing in a huge circle with Drill in the middle. While he was leading an exercise, I saw the sun begin to edge up over the horizon. It was stunning! Bright orangey-red against a pale blue sky. I kept an eye on it and by the time that particular exercise was done, the sun was almost fully exposed. I literally watched it rise up! A friend of mine said I am noticing God's fingerprints everywhere. I think that was one of them.

 There is a new TV show out now about people who use coupons so efficiently that they can have several carts of groceries and spend only, like ten bucks or something. I really wish I could get the hang of that. I try, and I've done pretty well, but nothing like that. Having that skill in this economy could be a lifesaver!

It takes real creativity to make the most of limited resources. One of my favorite meals growing up was something my mom called her "invention". It was a hamburger stew that she made up out of a few ingredients she found in her cupboard once when they had no money for groceries. I asked her to make it on a regular basis, and asked for the recipe when I got married.

Often around Christmastime there are heartwarming stories about children trying to help others by making something or organizing fundraisers for places like childrens' hospitals or our troops on the front lines. These kids get really creative, since they can't just get a job and send money. They want badly enough to help, that they either find a way - or make a way.

No matter how limited our resources. No matter how small we may be. There is always something we can do. It's the ones who accomplish things in spite of  their abilities that stand out and inspire others. Those are the ones we admire the most.

Local Flora

My husband worked carefully on the project for his local flora course at the university. He enjoyed the quest for various types of flowers, ferns, and other things growing in our area. Living off-campus, next to state game lands and his father's hunting property, afforded him plenty of area to search. He would bring items home and take his books out, carefully studying each specimen in detail, then pressing it to preserve the color and shape before adding it to his book. By the end of the semester, he was proud of the final project he turned in. His professor was quite impressed, and asked permission to keep it to show future classes how it's done. I admit I was a little disappointed that he said yes. It was a beautiful finished product.

I would never want to be famous. As much as I love acting, I wouldn't want the pressure of being in the public eye, under the careful scrutiny of a nation. Everything you say, everything you do, being judged and criticized. People looking for the worst about you - a picture of you with bad hair or an unfortunate outfit, or making a bad decision.

I heard someone talking about a pop singer recently, saying that she drew all sorts of fire from horrified critics for driving with her young child in her lap. I agree that is unacceptable, don't get me wrong. But I've heard that sometimes the fans and the paparazzi get very aggressive and create dangerous situations. It's possible that she was simply trying to get herself and her child out of a frightening situation.

Celebrities have to be very creative to protect their private lives and there are some who do it well, but there is always that chance that something they say will end up splashed on the front of a magazine, taken out of context, and misunderstood by millions.

I know, a lot of us think, "hey, for millions of dollars, I could live with that." or "I don't feel sorry for them." I'm not taking sides on the issue, just saying I would never want to put myself out there like that. Even here in a blog, I occasionally have my words being challenged and taken out of context. I have received criticism. It's no fun.

Shooting Star

It streaked across the pre-dawn sky and vanished in a matter of seconds. That was all I saw of it, but still it was thrilling. I rarely look at the sky, especially when I'm running. Normally I would be watching the path. So it felt like luck or providence that I happened to look up at that exact moment. It was there and gone by the time I could point it out to JJ, yet it stamped a lasting memory on that run. I was glad when  JJ saw one, too, before the run was over. I didn't see hers. It just happened so fast.

Sometimes everything that seems so stable and consistent can change in a matter of seconds, leaving a mark - sometimes a scar - in a person's life. It can be good. Like winning the lottery or stumbling into fame and fortune. It can be bad, like a tragedy.

I've been seeing this around me frequently lately. A dear friend was involved in a car accident resulting in a fatality. Another witnessed a horrific accident right in front of him and had to fearfully wait for help while she lay pinned under her car. Yet another friend is still processing the grief of her nephew's senseless murder. And then there is Skylar. The little girl two blocks away who was playing outside her home one minute and killed in a savage attack the next. In all cases, one minute things were normal and stable, and in a flash it all changed. Anything can happen.

I have a tendency to let fear take hold after tragedy. Fear and helplessness. Someone's facebook status today said "if you could have coffee with anyone from the Bible, who would it be, and why?" With brutal honesty, I would have to say Job. Because I want to ask him how he could continue to trust God after all the tragedy He allowed in his life. How did he cope? People may say they understand, but I won't believe them. It just doesn't make sense.

There is a person in my life who enjoys telling me they have it worse than me. Whatever my complaint, they will one-up it to make themselves the one to be pitied. Today I'm not in the mood for it. Today I am heavy-hearted for those going through life-shattering crises. Ones that this person wouldn't dare try to one-up.