Morning Glory

The twins were so enamored with the morning glories that they made a beeline for the backyard as soon as they woke up in the morning. They sniff the flowers and giggle when the petals "hug" their noses. The morning glories don't seem to need a lot of attention. If they did, we would not have them because I couldn't keep a plant alive if my life depended on it. But the morning glories seem to find their own way back, holding on to the fence and flourishing despite my worst efforts.

It happened. I was spotted and confronted about my non-attendance at church. He asked me where I was attending. I told him no where. He asked a few questions and for some reason I felt like opening up about my reasons. About feeling lost in a sea of strangers on a Sunday morning. I should have known what would happen.

First I was told it's because I wasn't attending enough. Should be coming to Sunday school as well. I didn't tell him I tried that. I did continue for a bit to tell him how disconnected I felt and even used the words "like no one saw me". I'm not sure if he heard that part before another family got his attention and he walked away. While I was still talking.

He didn't mean to do that. I know this man would never intentionally prove someone's point in such an obvious way, while trying to tell them they were wrong. No one ever meant to do it. Keep in mind that I know in my head this was not intentional, while I tell you what it did to my feelings. And please keep in mind that even if it's "wrong" to feel the way I do, I still feel it. Judge me if you want, but this is raw honesty. It's genuine.

My first feeling was that of foolishness. He almost had me thinking it was all in my head before. He almost had me thinking I'd be at home there if I gave it another try. I had already been mentally checking my calendar for the next available Sunday morning that I could come for church.

Secondly, I felt like I was being written off. He had heard enough and didn't feel like I was worth any more of his time. I heard him speak once on a verse, I don't remember which one he was using but I remember with vivid clarity that he said it meant, if you don't repent, God will say "I give up on you." That one statement reverberates in my memory. It caused me to question everything I had been taught about God. About His forgiveness. About His long-suffering. About His patience.

He didn't know how hard I had tried to find where I fit in. I used to have my place there, but that ministry was disassembled. I talked to people and tried to find other ways to fit in. As soon as one person gave me a suggestion, another would come along and make me doubt whether I would be welcome in that group. I tried.

I am planning to visit another church this weekend. A friend from boot camp is preaching and I want to go. Another very good friend of mine attends there, so I know I won't be sitting by myself. It feels like this door closed as soon as his back was turned on me, so I'm ready to start searching again. Searching for genuine.