I followed Pikachu and Ash Ketchum around the neighborhood, marveling at the havoc that had been created by the unseasonal snowstorm. Never before had the little costumed kiddos been able to hold their trick or treat bag in one hand and a snowball in the other. Neighbors had gathered the fallen branches into piles along the curb so the children would have clear paths for walking, but there were still puddles of melted snow to contend with. It was not the path we were used to and we had to slow down a bit and take our time. Some paths are like that. You might know the way but for a brief time, you need to slow down and protect yourself.
I was not at all excited about taking the kids out for Halloween this year. All I could think about what how little we know our neighbors. My mind kept returning to the tragedy of the little girl who was murdered just two blocks from our house a few months ago. The killer was her neighbor. But, for the sake of my children's happiness, I took them out and watched them very carefully, just as I always have.
After a while I started to feel a little better about our neighborhood. The kids were seeing lots of friends from school. Very kind grown-ups were handing out candy and looking very amused by the various costumes. Some adults even answered the door in costume themselves. That evening was an exercise in facing my fears, which is something I need to work on. I have many of them.
Other than that night, I've been pretty quiet lately. I have not been myself and quite a few people have noticed. I have little interest in the things that usually interest me. I read through a list of symptoms of depression and many of the symptoms fit. I can't pinpoint a reason, or a trigger, or a cure. If it were someone else, I would give them sound wisdom to "find your happy" or "cheer up" or "count your blessings" or "snap out of it."
I suppose this is where I learn why I would be wrong.
I made a snide little joke to myself the other day - I found a way to get peace and quiet, just be depressed and your friends will scatter. I think when someone is going through a tough time, people are going to have one of three possible reactions. Say nothing. Say the wrong thing. Say just enough and be patient.
I can tell you without hesitation that my response would be one of the first two. I avoid uncomfortable situations like the plague. I don't trust myself to talk and when I do think I have something wise to say, it's usually wrong.
In my case, I have found that it hurts to hear how I'm disappointing someone - they won't use those words but in an effort to help me snap out of it they will chastise me on how my situation is affecting others or that they expect more from me.
Oddly I have not felt abandoned by those who have been quiet. And the ones who said "just enough" were the ones who said. "I'm here if you need to talk," but asked nothing of me. I wish I could just jot all this down for future reference and let this life lesson be over, but I suspect it will take a little more time until I'm feeling like myself again.
I also suspect that the tragedy of Skylar Kaufmann has affected me more than I ever realized. It shook my sense of security and brought all my worst fears to the surface. And maybe the approaching Halloween season - thinking of children out mingling with neighbors - was the storm that littered Stoney's Path with debris.
