If I Were God

Trees were down everywhere. Some were uprooted completely, their massive roots leaving gaping holes in the earth. Some were snapped in two from the unbridled fury of winds the night before. The trees that were spared had been stripped of their leaves and some of their branches. The trails I had become accustomed to were littered with new obstacles. The air was silent - no squirrels or birds chittering from above, no rustling of leaves from small rodents on the ground. It was the eerie aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. Though destructive and powerful, the storm was not fueled by anger or vengeance. It did not have a vendetta against these trails and the wildlife that lives there. Nature has no malice or evil intent. Not like humans.

I've been asking some tough questions about God lately, most of them beginning with why? Why does He let evil prevail? Why doesn't He protect His children from harm? Why doesn't He seem to answer prayer? Why is He silent? Why does He stand by while people mock Him? And the biggest one: Does He really care?

Those questions continue to go unanswered, but in asking them, I have come to the conclusion that my issue is not necessarily disappointment with God, but disappointment with people. Think about it...

The reason I became frustrated with church was because of people.

The evildoers and mockers - people.

The unanswered prayers? If I'm honest, many of them come back to people. Lord, change their heart.

If I were God, I would probably do things differently. If someone mocked me, I would strike them down with lightening. If someone threatened the people I love, I would turn their evil upon themselves. My responses to evil would be very theatrical, like the superheroes in movies who get the audience cheering and laughing when they take down the villains. Wouldn't anybody do that?

If I were God, I would not have infinite patience to wait and let things run their course, knowing the end from the beginning and seeing the good in the face of the bad and knowing how my power not only can defeat evil but has defeated it. But then maybe I would, because I would be God and only God can do that.

Only God can still care about us when we don't deserve it. Only God gives us infinite chances to find Him and the redemption only He can give. Only God can love the unlovable.

Mere humans aren't that pure. We all fail. We all disappoint. So maybe I walk into church and someone makes me feel unwelcome. That is not a reflection of me or my value. It is a reflection of their human inadequacies.

Maybe someone says or does something cruel to me in anger. That is not a reflection of my worth, but of their own struggle for control, or even self-control.

Maybe my struggles contribute to someone else's disappointment in me.

We are all on a journey. We all have struggles and we all have sins. I need to learn to let other people be who they are, to not take things personally, to continue being who I am no matter what storms are raging around me. And I need to remember that God cares enough to be patient with me.

Muddy Banks

Sean climbed onto the bank to explore while I waited in the raft. The moment he stood up, his feet slipped out from under him and he landed on the muddy bank, sliding back down into the water. I watched him struggle to get his footing until he was able to pull himself back onto land. Keeping a watchful eye on him as he explored, I drifted close to shore in the raft, listening to the rippling of the water and the rest of the family playing downstream. It was just a day at the creek with the family. Just a day of catching crayfish and splashing and exploring. Just a day of making memories...

Quite often when I think of my family, I feel like it's us against the world. My oldest just reached his seventeenth birthday and I am starting to realize these days are numbered. Soon he will be an adult and will set out to make new memories with his own family. Of course, I'll want to share in those memories also - how fun it will be to take a multi-generational camping trip and tell stories to my grandchildren about when their daddy was little and used to call chicken nuggets "nummy guggies"...

I'm getting ahead of myself...

When I was growing up we had Christmas Eve at my Aunt Patricia's house every year. It was a fun time. My mom was one of six kids and all who were able would attend with their families. I would play with my cousins, my mom and aunts would sit around the dining room table playing board games or card games or word games - and get quite boisterous - while the men would stand in the kitchen or sit in the living room chatting about whatever men talk about.  I remember little details: mini cherry cheesecakes, punch with sherbet in it, my uncle Billy pretending not to like kids but not really fooling us some of us...

My niece and I have talked many times recently about those Christmas Eves and discussed our mutual wish that we could bring everyone back together and just do it again. One little visit to the place of our fondest memories - the center of a large, fun-loving family.

A few weeks ago I traveled to South Carolina to be with my relatives for a different kind of reunion. We were there to mourn the tragic loss of my cousin Vickie. It was a sad time and not at all the kind of family reunion my niece and I had talked about.

I realized while I was there that I had not seen most of this family since my dad passed away 16 years ago. Part of my visit was a complete immersion in memories and a sense of belonging that I had forgotten about. The other part of the visit was an odd outsider feeling, as though I was a spectator in someone else's life. Same experience as my last South Carolina trip, I suppose, but stronger. Even though I can't return to them, it was nice to be reminded of those special memories that were made as I was growing up. Those memories that were "just another day" back when they were being made...