It's a Bird...

I watched as my husband pulled the vent cover off the bottom of the refrigerator to investigate. The squeaking noise under there had been driving us crazy and he decided to try to figure out what was wrong. As he knelt down, something emerged and flew frantically around the house. I laughed in surprise and said "it's a bird!" Standing up, he replied, "that's not a bird. It's a BAT!" My laughter stopped abruptly and I dashed into the guest room, pulling the door shut as fast as I could move. I'm sure the bat was just as uncomfortable, being out of its comfort zone in so many ways, and being chased around. Somehow, he managed to get it out of the house while I hid in that little room with my friends, the heebies and the jeebies.

I've been thinking today about a friend of mine who said something really nice about me and it got back to me. She said, of me, "she'll do anything for you." I feel like I am the kind of person who will go out of my way to do something for someone, especially a friend, but I've had enough people in my life who will heap guilt on me for what I am unable to do, that a comment like that is a rare treasure that I can't forget.

It's really easy for me to believe the bad stuff people say - or insinuate - about me. I am always ready and willing to take the blame, accept the guilt, believe the insults. I don't know where that comes from. I guess I just want people to be happy, even if they have to make me feel miserable in the process. My friend KC told me today that she needs to help me become more assertive so I won't be so affected by people like that. And my first thought was, who would I hurt if I say what I really mean? What if I say no when I really can't do something for someone?

Sometimes I fear saying no because I feel indebted to someone. This makes me think I have no right. So many examples are flooding into my mind but I won't tell the stories. Because if I say what I feel someone might be hurt by it.

I don't like being indebted to anyone. I'm not talking about living debt-free, within your means, with a safety net savings account and comfortable retirement plan. Sheesh, I have no room to talk there!

Here is what I mean: I rarely borrow library books. I stopped renting movies at the video store because I forget to return things on time. I almost never ask a friend to borrow anything. There were several times a friend has put something into my hand and said "take a look at this.. I'll need it back". So then I have this dilemma. Do I refuse the offer and potentially hurt their feelings, or do I accept it and risk losing or forgetting to return the item?

Borrowing from friends, in my experience, creates awkward situations. A few days ago I heard from an old friend that I had not seen in maybe a year. I was so happy to hear from her, because I had thought she was mad at me for not going to church. After a little talking, it became evident that she only thought of me because I had something that belonged to her. I felt a mixture of guilt (about the item) and foolishness (for thinking she wanted to chat with me).

There is another issue weighing heavily on my mind that I can't talk about here. It's a case where I am going way, way out of my comfort zone in many ways for someone and I know that they are still disappointed in me. It's a bona fide, genuine, damned-if-I-do, damned-if-I-don't situation. I wish I knew what to do. I only want to make people happy.