Just One Reason

The picture takes me back to that day. I took it while fishing at a friend's pond, sitting on the grass, casually watching my line. A dragonfly had landed on the tip of my rod and I had always heard that was good luck. It made me happy to see, and I somehow managed to get a picture without scaring it away. Beyond the dragonfly, you can see the still water and a clear reflection of the trees and clouds. It was a shot even more beautiful than I had expected. All I saw at the time was right in front of me but that one little focal point led me to something even bigger and better.

I stood there in the bathroom at 4:15 in the morning without an ounce of motivation or courage. Everything in me wanted to get back into bed and postpone this decision another day - or week. It was the first day of DDIP, session 25 and I didn't want to go. The only reason I set the alarm was because I knew that I will want to go later. I know this funk is temporary. I know it because this is not who I am. I am optimistic and energetic and cheerful. I don't recognize this sad, dejected, lonely side of myself.

I just needed one reason to take the next step. Standing there in my workout pants and sports bra - vacillating between the red DDIP shirt and my pajamas - I took a long look in the mirror.

Just one reason.

I liked what I was seeing in the mirror. It was much more attractive than what I saw there a year ago. I saw some definition and curves, better posture... It struck me that every bit of this change came as a result of DDIP. With that realization and a hint of determination, I took the next step and joined my friends for session 25.

My heart wasn't in it but I put every bit of strength I had into that class. Some friends noticed I was not myself but only by the expression (or lack thereof) on my face. My body was engaged and fully participating. I felt stronger than I expected to, and knew I had made the right choice.

This morning I still felt a little bit down and I was getting annoyed with my pathetic self. Enough is enough. I decided to take charge of my day. I'm not going to let this depression control me anymore.

I wonder where the phrase "take the bull by the horns" came from. We say it all the time when we talk about taking charge of a situation but I've been really thinking about that phrase today. There is more to it than will, I think. I imagine if I were to actually take a bull by the horns, he might have some sort of response to that. I may have to hold on pretty tightly to keep that hold and to keep from getting hurt. I may be in for a fight. Maybe the phrase doesn't mean taking charge so much as it means fighting and not giving up.

I could be wrong - I know very little about bulls and their horns - but fighting is better than moping so that's what I will do.