Gathering

My gaze kept wandering above the computer monitor and through the window in front of my desk. The tree just outside my second floor office provides a much needed mental escape from the stress of work, but sometimes becomes a distraction. Especially today, with the squirrels scampering over the branches, gathering their sustenance to store for winter. I look forward to watching the seasons change through that window, seeing those leaves change color and let go to cascade to the ground. Winter is not my favorite but when the buds start to form on those branches to announce the arrival of spring, I will be among the first to notice.

I've been going through a season of discontent lately. Not with my family but with pretty much everything else. It seems that, after months of building up to a big event - of working hard toward lofty goals - there is a crash that comes after the high of success.

And the low of disappointment.

You see, there were two goals. One was the half marathon. I shared that with most people - and everyone here in this blog. The other was a personal, secret goal, that only a select few knew about. It was an unreasonable goal to be sure. Any goal that depends on anything outside yourself is unreasonable. If it requires hard work, dedication, commitment, and perseverance - anything is possible. But if it requires someone else's approval - it is not a goal. It is simply a desire, which carries no guarantee.

I've been terribly unmotivated lately. I have not gone running - not with any sincerity anyway. I tried a different kind of workout last week, hoping to break through this funk. The first day was fantastic and I thought I may have found a new love. But the following days and the soreness that accompanied them only served to drag me further into defeat. My confidence has taken a serious hit.

It's more than just working out. More than exercises and running and training. I am facing a feeling of disapproval from other sources... like my boss. He would deny it but truth doesn't make much of an impact when you are being held down by your emotions. I feel like nothing I do is right. A compliment followed by fifteen criticisms is hard to remember. I am exaggerating, it's not really like that. But it feels that way.

I have to make a decision before I go to bed tonight and I honestly do not know what I will choose. Gather what's left of my resolve and move forward with the optimism that I will find my confidence again - or move in a different direction altogether?