Before Dawn

The flashlight I held did very little to guide me. I only used it to see my husband's feet so I would know where to step as I followed him through the darkness. He had a better light, and a better idea of where we were going. I trust him completely and felt no need to look around to get my bearings. I wouldn't be able to see anything anyway. We reached the designated tree and he cleared a nice comfortable spot for me in the most chivalrous fashion. I sat and leaned on the tree to wait. In the distance I saw a small light. Another hunter had set up and it made me nervous, but we knew he saw our lights as we approached. It was far enough away and we had our blaze orange on so we would be safe. As shapes of trees and rocks emerged from the darkness into a hazy dawn, a startling blast of shots rang out. Shooting hours had begun. We heard pellets rain down all around us and realized that the other hunters were less safety conscious than we were.

Last week one of my friends came up to me and told me a little story. She told me that she had seen her doctor about a year ago for depression. She told me what medication he prescribed and how it had really helped her. Other people who know me have been showing a little extra concern for my well-being. Friends and coworkers asking if I'm ok, telling me I don't look well. (Gee thanks).

I wouldn't call myself depressed. It's not me, it's my circumstances. It's not me, it's other people.

Right?

I dodge the questions. I try to turn it around and get them talking about themselves, or somehow distance myself from them. The last thing I want is to be that person who brings everyone down with her. Nobody needs to follow me into this dark place where my fears and insecurities live.

There are sources from where all this self-doubt comes. There are sources of the hailstorm of negative thoughts raining down around me. Those who do not have my best interest at heart, but their own. Those who want their own trophies at all costs, no matter who runs away crying and injured. And I'm not the only target.

I should be feeling pretty good about myself. I accomplished something big a few days ago. But it does little to repair my fractured self-worth. I don't even feel worthy of telling anyone about the accomplishment. I'm avoiding people. I'm closing in. I just need a little time to navigate this darkness on my own. It's only temporary.