Before Dawn

The flashlight I held did very little to guide me. I only used it to see my husband's feet so I would know where to step as I followed him through the darkness. He had a better light, and a better idea of where we were going. I trust him completely and felt no need to look around to get my bearings. I wouldn't be able to see anything anyway. We reached the designated tree and he cleared a nice comfortable spot for me in the most chivalrous fashion. I sat and leaned on the tree to wait. In the distance I saw a small light. Another hunter had set up and it made me nervous, but we knew he saw our lights as we approached. It was far enough away and we had our blaze orange on so we would be safe. As shapes of trees and rocks emerged from the darkness into a hazy dawn, a startling blast of shots rang out. Shooting hours had begun. We heard pellets rain down all around us and realized that the other hunters were less safety conscious than we were.

Last week one of my friends came up to me and told me a little story. She told me that she had seen her doctor about a year ago for depression. She told me what medication he prescribed and how it had really helped her. Other people who know me have been showing a little extra concern for my well-being. Friends and coworkers asking if I'm ok, telling me I don't look well. (Gee thanks).

I wouldn't call myself depressed. It's not me, it's my circumstances. It's not me, it's other people.

Right?

I dodge the questions. I try to turn it around and get them talking about themselves, or somehow distance myself from them. The last thing I want is to be that person who brings everyone down with her. Nobody needs to follow me into this dark place where my fears and insecurities live.

There are sources from where all this self-doubt comes. There are sources of the hailstorm of negative thoughts raining down around me. Those who do not have my best interest at heart, but their own. Those who want their own trophies at all costs, no matter who runs away crying and injured. And I'm not the only target.

I should be feeling pretty good about myself. I accomplished something big a few days ago. But it does little to repair my fractured self-worth. I don't even feel worthy of telling anyone about the accomplishment. I'm avoiding people. I'm closing in. I just need a little time to navigate this darkness on my own. It's only temporary.

Only What You Need

The nest was enormous. I wondered how many of them could fit in it at one time. I was told that bald eagles reuse the same nest year after year and continue to build onto it, making it bigger and bigger. It amuses me to think that this bird could be a feathered version of what we humans call a hoarder. On the other hand, it must be that much more traumatic to find themselves in need of a new nest and completely starting over, with all new materials and nothing carried over from their original home.

People like to pose the question, "if your house were on fire and you could only go back in to get one thing, and your family and pets are safe, what would you get?" I avoid answering that question because it makes me uncomfortable to think about. I do not have an answer.

A few days ago I stood next to a good friend, watching as she helplessly tried to make that decision for real. Her house was not on fire, but she had a limited time to gather what she felt she needed, as two uniformed officers kept a watchful eye on her abusive husband. She was escaping.

My husband and I were there with her for support, but we felt powerless to help her in any other way. How were we to know what things had sentimental value? She looked so vulnerable and lost, trying to determine the difference between "need" and "want". It was eye-opening, to say the least.

While there is no sense of urgency, it is easy for me to take a mental inventory of my possessions and reason that I could live without all of them as long as my family is safe with me. But in a crisis, what would I not want to live without?

For whatever reason, I can spend hours contemplating this and never come up with an answer. So why is my house so cluttered?

Just One Reason

The picture takes me back to that day. I took it while fishing at a friend's pond, sitting on the grass, casually watching my line. A dragonfly had landed on the tip of my rod and I had always heard that was good luck. It made me happy to see, and I somehow managed to get a picture without scaring it away. Beyond the dragonfly, you can see the still water and a clear reflection of the trees and clouds. It was a shot even more beautiful than I had expected. All I saw at the time was right in front of me but that one little focal point led me to something even bigger and better.

I stood there in the bathroom at 4:15 in the morning without an ounce of motivation or courage. Everything in me wanted to get back into bed and postpone this decision another day - or week. It was the first day of DDIP, session 25 and I didn't want to go. The only reason I set the alarm was because I knew that I will want to go later. I know this funk is temporary. I know it because this is not who I am. I am optimistic and energetic and cheerful. I don't recognize this sad, dejected, lonely side of myself.

I just needed one reason to take the next step. Standing there in my workout pants and sports bra - vacillating between the red DDIP shirt and my pajamas - I took a long look in the mirror.

Just one reason.

I liked what I was seeing in the mirror. It was much more attractive than what I saw there a year ago. I saw some definition and curves, better posture... It struck me that every bit of this change came as a result of DDIP. With that realization and a hint of determination, I took the next step and joined my friends for session 25.

My heart wasn't in it but I put every bit of strength I had into that class. Some friends noticed I was not myself but only by the expression (or lack thereof) on my face. My body was engaged and fully participating. I felt stronger than I expected to, and knew I had made the right choice.

This morning I still felt a little bit down and I was getting annoyed with my pathetic self. Enough is enough. I decided to take charge of my day. I'm not going to let this depression control me anymore.

I wonder where the phrase "take the bull by the horns" came from. We say it all the time when we talk about taking charge of a situation but I've been really thinking about that phrase today. There is more to it than will, I think. I imagine if I were to actually take a bull by the horns, he might have some sort of response to that. I may have to hold on pretty tightly to keep that hold and to keep from getting hurt. I may be in for a fight. Maybe the phrase doesn't mean taking charge so much as it means fighting and not giving up.

I could be wrong - I know very little about bulls and their horns - but fighting is better than moping so that's what I will do.

Gathering

My gaze kept wandering above the computer monitor and through the window in front of my desk. The tree just outside my second floor office provides a much needed mental escape from the stress of work, but sometimes becomes a distraction. Especially today, with the squirrels scampering over the branches, gathering their sustenance to store for winter. I look forward to watching the seasons change through that window, seeing those leaves change color and let go to cascade to the ground. Winter is not my favorite but when the buds start to form on those branches to announce the arrival of spring, I will be among the first to notice.

I've been going through a season of discontent lately. Not with my family but with pretty much everything else. It seems that, after months of building up to a big event - of working hard toward lofty goals - there is a crash that comes after the high of success.

And the low of disappointment.

You see, there were two goals. One was the half marathon. I shared that with most people - and everyone here in this blog. The other was a personal, secret goal, that only a select few knew about. It was an unreasonable goal to be sure. Any goal that depends on anything outside yourself is unreasonable. If it requires hard work, dedication, commitment, and perseverance - anything is possible. But if it requires someone else's approval - it is not a goal. It is simply a desire, which carries no guarantee.

I've been terribly unmotivated lately. I have not gone running - not with any sincerity anyway. I tried a different kind of workout last week, hoping to break through this funk. The first day was fantastic and I thought I may have found a new love. But the following days and the soreness that accompanied them only served to drag me further into defeat. My confidence has taken a serious hit.

It's more than just working out. More than exercises and running and training. I am facing a feeling of disapproval from other sources... like my boss. He would deny it but truth doesn't make much of an impact when you are being held down by your emotions. I feel like nothing I do is right. A compliment followed by fifteen criticisms is hard to remember. I am exaggerating, it's not really like that. But it feels that way.

I have to make a decision before I go to bed tonight and I honestly do not know what I will choose. Gather what's left of my resolve and move forward with the optimism that I will find my confidence again - or move in a different direction altogether?