The water rushes, gurgling and bubbling, down the stream, carrying wayward twigs and leaves along in its current. Wind rustles the overhead trees, casting kaleidescope shadows over the moving water. In the center of the stream stands a large, sturdy rock, which parts the water flow, refusing to join the parade - rather standing fast and demanding that the intruder go around it. A fishing line has somehow grabbed on to the rock, causing the red and white bobber at the end to bounce and sway back and forth, but not allowing it to be carried away to uncertain destinations.
A lot of people have commented lately that I have been changing. Some have even suggested the most horrible of causes - I can't even bring myself to mention the words for fear of infusing truth into the absurd concept. But to give you a hint, imagine a man with grey around the temples, buying a hot rod and decking it out with ridiculous add-ons, right down to the fuzzy dice. Something like that. Absolutely not the truth in my case. But I can't blame the people who have made those comments. They don't know the real me. Nobody does. I can try to explain till I'm blue in the face but to really know someone there has to be a measure of understanding. I'm not even sure I understand me but I'm working on it.
At the moment I would classify myself as a prodigal. I have to be honest. What's the point of putting something down if it's not honest?
About 2 years ago I stopped wanting to go to church. I got tired of sitting through an entire service, surrounded by people who know me, and not having anyone say hello. I got tired of sitting there trying to listen and really absorb the pastor's message with distractions like baby's crying and someone rudely unwrapping a piece of candy in the seat behind me. I didn't walk away from God. I walked away from people.
I'm idealistic. I feel that I'm genuine. Hypocrisy really bothers me and I know I was sitting in judgment of my peers in that sanctuary, seeing how they interact with the people they like... and with the people they don't. Sitting in judgment made me a hypocrite as well. I think it made me start to dislike myself. So I stopped going. It tapered off at first, just skipping here and there but making a really good excuse (actually making a really lame excuse but making it sound good). Then I finally gave up the charade and said to someone, "honestly, I didn't go because I didn't want to." Period.
I've visited other churches since then in a halfhearted attempt to get back into Christian fellowship. But not in quite a while. I'm just not ready yet. The scene I set above with the stream: God is that rock - obviously. I am the red and white bobber at the end of the line. I have not lost my faith. I do not believe you can lose your salvation. So while I'm hanging on to that solid rock, I still feel like - for now - I'm drifting.
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