There was still quite a bit of snow on the trail when my friends Dean, Stephanie, and I went hiking at Evansburg. I wasn't prepared for the quiet beauty I was to see out there, not being a winter person at all. I dressed warmly enough, thankfully. Looking down at the creek at the bottom of the hill, I had to stop and admire the way the ice had formed little platforms out into the current. My friends had to stop and wait many times for me to study little animal tracks I found along the trail. This was a world I rarely see. I prefer to hibernate and whine and ask, "when will winter be over?"
I am a procrastinator. The word "someday" is a staple in my vocabulary. Over the last year, since starting boot camp, I've been realizing that I'm missing out on a lot of living by using that word. Two years ago I said "someday I want to try kayaking". I know that they rent kayaks at Peace Valley. All I have to do is go there and take action. But I haven't yet. I don't only use "someday" for fun activities but things like painting the upstairs hallway, decluttering the house, teaching the twins how to ride their bikes... the list goes on. I even say, every week as I push my grocery cart out of the store and pass by the customer service desk, "someday I'm going to buy a lottery ticket."
I'm attacking a "someday" now, and it's a little scary. I have decided to stop saying "someday I will run a half-marathon". I picked the day. September 17. Philadelphia. I haven't signed up yet - yeah, I know, I'll do it someday - but I have told a few people, which makes it more of a reality. If it's a little scary to tell people, imagine how I must be trembling with fear as I type this and put it out there for all to see. Yikes! But boot camp has shown me that I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. And that I have that stick-to-it-iveness that I never thought I had. I can finish what I start. I can do this!
A glorious three-day weekend has just come to a close and I must head in to work now. Which reminds me, maybe I'll stop and get that lottery ticket today. Maybe.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Minister Creek
The Minister Creek Trail is a beautiful 6.6 mile hiking trail in the Allegheny National Forest. The trail winds through some amazing rock formations, which is how I ended up there. I actually planned an entire family vacation around a single photo I saw in a book. We climbed over rocks, walked between rocks, had lunch sitting in the opening of a cave made entirely of rocks. It was natural. It was genuine. It was breathtaking.
The best compliment I ever received came from a friend we invited over for dinner a few years ago. She stood in our living room, studying the things I had hanging on my walls and remarked, "Everything in here means something to you." It actually came as a surprise to me and I had to look around to verify her claim. It's true - sketches of the kids drawn by a friend, a checkerboard that Phil had made in woodshop as a kid, a framed painting I had made with the kids' handprints and footprints... nothing superficial. Nothing that just happened to catch my eye in a furniture store. I felt like she was saying I'm genuine.
Once I went into a store and the lady at the counter seemed really odd to me. She had a fake tan, fake nails, fake blonde hair, fake eyelashes, blinding white teeth - I'm not kidding, everything looked so fake I wondered if there was a real person in there at all! Of course I want to look good, too. I color my hair every time I start seeing grays and sometimes I like to try a new color and a new look. I use the Crest Whitestrips occcasionally to try and get rid of the evidence of my coffee addiction. But with this girl, it looked like an obsession - or a disguise. I wonder what she was hiding from.
So in the last year, I have been getting more fit and healthy. It's giving me more energy and I'm seeing positive changes in my body. I've lost a little weight - not as much as I had hoped, but a little. I am seeing some definition. I have strength I never had before, and I'm less fearful than I used to be. This has given me a new confidence. I feel like I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I used to be. I go to this boot camp workout program three mornings a week - early mornings! For that hour I am surrounded by people who are motivated, encouraging, positive, and accepting. People who are genuine.
I did not leave God, I left people. And a lot of times I feel like I found the people I was looking for at boot camp. The very first class a year ago, I was hooked. And at the end of that class, when the entire group came together for a brief pep talk/teaching/connecting moment they call "school circle", I swear I thought we were about to pray.
There are some Christians in boot camp. I have identified a few already and have talked about spiritual things with them. They know where I am and they have not turned their back on me. They have not walked away. Because they are genuine. And that's the best compliment I could give them.
The best compliment I ever received came from a friend we invited over for dinner a few years ago. She stood in our living room, studying the things I had hanging on my walls and remarked, "Everything in here means something to you." It actually came as a surprise to me and I had to look around to verify her claim. It's true - sketches of the kids drawn by a friend, a checkerboard that Phil had made in woodshop as a kid, a framed painting I had made with the kids' handprints and footprints... nothing superficial. Nothing that just happened to catch my eye in a furniture store. I felt like she was saying I'm genuine.
Once I went into a store and the lady at the counter seemed really odd to me. She had a fake tan, fake nails, fake blonde hair, fake eyelashes, blinding white teeth - I'm not kidding, everything looked so fake I wondered if there was a real person in there at all! Of course I want to look good, too. I color my hair every time I start seeing grays and sometimes I like to try a new color and a new look. I use the Crest Whitestrips occcasionally to try and get rid of the evidence of my coffee addiction. But with this girl, it looked like an obsession - or a disguise. I wonder what she was hiding from.
So in the last year, I have been getting more fit and healthy. It's giving me more energy and I'm seeing positive changes in my body. I've lost a little weight - not as much as I had hoped, but a little. I am seeing some definition. I have strength I never had before, and I'm less fearful than I used to be. This has given me a new confidence. I feel like I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I used to be. I go to this boot camp workout program three mornings a week - early mornings! For that hour I am surrounded by people who are motivated, encouraging, positive, and accepting. People who are genuine.
I did not leave God, I left people. And a lot of times I feel like I found the people I was looking for at boot camp. The very first class a year ago, I was hooked. And at the end of that class, when the entire group came together for a brief pep talk/teaching/connecting moment they call "school circle", I swear I thought we were about to pray.
There are some Christians in boot camp. I have identified a few already and have talked about spiritual things with them. They know where I am and they have not turned their back on me. They have not walked away. Because they are genuine. And that's the best compliment I could give them.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
The Journey Begins
The water rushes, gurgling and bubbling, down the stream, carrying wayward twigs and leaves along in its current. Wind rustles the overhead trees, casting kaleidescope shadows over the moving water. In the center of the stream stands a large, sturdy rock, which parts the water flow, refusing to join the parade - rather standing fast and demanding that the intruder go around it. A fishing line has somehow grabbed on to the rock, causing the red and white bobber at the end to bounce and sway back and forth, but not allowing it to be carried away to uncertain destinations.
A lot of people have commented lately that I have been changing. Some have even suggested the most horrible of causes - I can't even bring myself to mention the words for fear of infusing truth into the absurd concept. But to give you a hint, imagine a man with grey around the temples, buying a hot rod and decking it out with ridiculous add-ons, right down to the fuzzy dice. Something like that. Absolutely not the truth in my case. But I can't blame the people who have made those comments. They don't know the real me. Nobody does. I can try to explain till I'm blue in the face but to really know someone there has to be a measure of understanding. I'm not even sure I understand me but I'm working on it.
At the moment I would classify myself as a prodigal. I have to be honest. What's the point of putting something down if it's not honest?
About 2 years ago I stopped wanting to go to church. I got tired of sitting through an entire service, surrounded by people who know me, and not having anyone say hello. I got tired of sitting there trying to listen and really absorb the pastor's message with distractions like baby's crying and someone rudely unwrapping a piece of candy in the seat behind me. I didn't walk away from God. I walked away from people.
I'm idealistic. I feel that I'm genuine. Hypocrisy really bothers me and I know I was sitting in judgment of my peers in that sanctuary, seeing how they interact with the people they like... and with the people they don't. Sitting in judgment made me a hypocrite as well. I think it made me start to dislike myself. So I stopped going. It tapered off at first, just skipping here and there but making a really good excuse (actually making a really lame excuse but making it sound good). Then I finally gave up the charade and said to someone, "honestly, I didn't go because I didn't want to." Period.
I've visited other churches since then in a halfhearted attempt to get back into Christian fellowship. But not in quite a while. I'm just not ready yet. The scene I set above with the stream: God is that rock - obviously. I am the red and white bobber at the end of the line. I have not lost my faith. I do not believe you can lose your salvation. So while I'm hanging on to that solid rock, I still feel like - for now - I'm drifting.
A lot of people have commented lately that I have been changing. Some have even suggested the most horrible of causes - I can't even bring myself to mention the words for fear of infusing truth into the absurd concept. But to give you a hint, imagine a man with grey around the temples, buying a hot rod and decking it out with ridiculous add-ons, right down to the fuzzy dice. Something like that. Absolutely not the truth in my case. But I can't blame the people who have made those comments. They don't know the real me. Nobody does. I can try to explain till I'm blue in the face but to really know someone there has to be a measure of understanding. I'm not even sure I understand me but I'm working on it.
At the moment I would classify myself as a prodigal. I have to be honest. What's the point of putting something down if it's not honest?
About 2 years ago I stopped wanting to go to church. I got tired of sitting through an entire service, surrounded by people who know me, and not having anyone say hello. I got tired of sitting there trying to listen and really absorb the pastor's message with distractions like baby's crying and someone rudely unwrapping a piece of candy in the seat behind me. I didn't walk away from God. I walked away from people.
I'm idealistic. I feel that I'm genuine. Hypocrisy really bothers me and I know I was sitting in judgment of my peers in that sanctuary, seeing how they interact with the people they like... and with the people they don't. Sitting in judgment made me a hypocrite as well. I think it made me start to dislike myself. So I stopped going. It tapered off at first, just skipping here and there but making a really good excuse (actually making a really lame excuse but making it sound good). Then I finally gave up the charade and said to someone, "honestly, I didn't go because I didn't want to." Period.
I've visited other churches since then in a halfhearted attempt to get back into Christian fellowship. But not in quite a while. I'm just not ready yet. The scene I set above with the stream: God is that rock - obviously. I am the red and white bobber at the end of the line. I have not lost my faith. I do not believe you can lose your salvation. So while I'm hanging on to that solid rock, I still feel like - for now - I'm drifting.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)