Hibernation

I held a thorny branch to the side to let my daughter pass and pointed to the rock ridge ahead. "We're going to sit right up there." I whispered. Stopping after a few feet, I showed her the ground where the bear had been. You could still see evidence of the kill - a little blood and some scratch marks where we believe another bear had come to investigate afterwards. I hesitated a bit before continuing on. The place we planned to sit for small game was on top of an outcropping of rocks. I knew there was not enough room below them for a bear den but the writer in me was convinced there was, and that we might just wake it from hibernation. 

It's the middle of winter and I'm sick of it. "It" being basically everything. I'm cold. I'm tired. I'm completely depleted. I want to hibernate from the cold and from the heaviness of life.

I'm tired of having one-sided conversations where I am the listener, patiently listening to version after version of the same old stories while someone else tries to work through some emotional crisis. I'm tired of being strong for those people and encountering a closed door when I'm ready to share my own struggles or fears.

I'm tired of knowing that some of the people who are supposed to care about me and support me will not be available when I really need something - even if it's just a sympathetic ear or shoulder to cry on.

I'm tired of what I've come to call "combat conversations" where every word I try to speak is interrupted or ignored and I wind up feeling physically exhausted and out of breath for the effort. Then to have to answer the inane question when my frustrated silence is finally noticed: "why are you so quiet?"

I'm tired of being everyone's "yes" girl. I'm tired of taking on tasks that others don't "feel like" doing, only to be told NO when I finally express a need for help.

 I'm tired of being pushed around, ignored, taken advantage of, used, and cast aside.

and I'm sick and tired of that (*^&^$^%$ woodpecker interrupting my thoughts!!!!

 I'm tired of people. I'm tired of being cold. That's all.