The path was a little wider than I like, floored with gravel and populated by runners, bikers, dog-walkers, and hand-holding lovebirds. Still, it was a glorious day and a treat to be able to surround myself with lush trees and a brilliant array of spring flowers that lined the path. At a particular bridge, I stopped to admire the rugged beauty of the stream that fed the Delaware River below. The rocks and soothing sounds of flowing water drew me in and I climbed down the bank to play. Now that spring had arrived and put on its colorful attire, I felt my mood lifting - the darkness dissipating in the sunshine.
I'm a self-proclaimed jeans-and-t-shirt girl. Dressing up, to me, is taking my hair out of the ponytail and putting on earrings. For some reason, a few weeks ago, I had it in my head that I wanted a summer dress, even though I was pretty sure I'd never wear it. I set out on my mission - alone, which is never advised for a person like me. Thanks to the invention of cell phones and photo-messaging, I was able to seek counsel on a few dresses I liked, right from the dressing room. I came home with two dresses that day.
I actually wore one of them later that week - to work, of all places, and felt really good all day. That is saying a lot considering the frame of mind I've been in lately.
I'm still battling some kind of depression. Feelings of worthlessness, paranoia, helplessness... I have an idea where it's coming from, but it's too personal to share. Some things just have to stay on the inside.
Yesterday morning I decided to adopt the mantra of some of my ddip friends, "fake it till you make it". I am so tired of sulking and pouting and bringing down everyone around me. My first step was to send a super-cheerful text to a friend - something she was not used to from me. I wasn't feeling it, but I was determined to act it out anyway. Then I got some exercise, cleaned the basement, and dressed up nice for work.
When I started acting happy, I actually started to fool myself a little. I was starting to feel happy after a while. Today started out a little more positive and I wanted to keep it going. My friend from yesterday commented that it was the second day in a row that I was chipper. This was a wake-up call to me. I had been so mopey that a good mood seemed out of the ordinary. For me - the person my boss describes as someone who "brings sunshine to work."
What happened to me?
So, it worked this time, and it makes me wonder. Can you just "put on" a positive attitude like you can put on a dress? Or like the spring puts on it's vibrant colors?
