The trees did little to block the outside world and offer the quiet I desperately needed. Even when there was no one passing by on the nearby trails, I could still hear the whoosh of the cars and the steady hum of whatever machinery was responsible for construction in the park that day. I stood on the bridge, leaning over the rail to peer into the shallow water below. I willed the trickling sound of the water to drown out the world but it did not comply. I was every bit as alone as I felt, wishing for silence and feeling empty in every way.
I have been working on it for a while but somewhere along the way I slipped back into my people-pleasing mentality. Being so afraid of disappointing people, I have stopped speaking up and saying what I want - clearly and confidently.
Instead, I sit and wait and, when people don't say what I want them to, I silently begin to resent them. I give in to feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt and close myself off.
The question has come to me frequently in the last few weeks. Are you okay?
No. I'm not.
I want you to know what I want, care what I want, and tell me what I want to hear. I want it to be believable, which will be a challenge because I am dealing with trust issues too. I don't believe anything.
Pathetic right? I wouldn't want to talk to me either. How do I get my confidence back?
I'm going to take it back. That's what I'm going to do. I became confident before by setting goals and working toward them. I got confidence from proving to myself that I can do more than I think I can do. I didn't get confidence from people flattering me or reading my mind or seeking me out. I was too busy conquering fears and goals to need that.
